Finding ‘The One’ and the Ironic Inconvenience of Situationships - Bali Edition
A deep dive into the myths of living 'happily ever after' and the fruitless escapades of being friends with benefits.
“It’s okay, you’ll find someone”
“We’re only 25, we still have time”
“Don’t worry, there’s someone out there for you”
Why do I need to find ‘someone’?
What do you mean we still have time? You make it sound like we don’t when last I checked, I’m only a third of the way through life (hopefully).
I AM NOT WORRIED BUT SHOULD I BE?
I’m gonna introduce an idea - one that might be a bit controversial. Here goes;
What if not finding ‘the one’ is actually okay? What if not finding someone to spend the rest of your life with is actually an option that should not be looked on with pity, but as something that is regarded equally and just as amazing as the other?
The Myth
Why do I have this voice at the back of my head saying I need to have my shit together and my life laid out by the time I’m 30? Who decided that this was going to be the age when my life supposedly ends or has to drastically change?
Is it because I am a woman and I have a reproductive function that needs to be utilised before it’s too late? There’s always adoption.
Is it our evolutionary human desire to reproduce? The thing that kept our tribe of 30 people alive and safe from extinction? Seems a bit irrelevant now.
Or is it the societal norm to study, work, buy a house, have investments, have a family, grow old on your pension that you spent your entire youth working hard to secure, pressure your kids into having grandkids, and then die? Sounds a bit bleak if you ask me.
The embedded idea of finding ‘the one’ seems to me like a sneaky way for society to keep us in a certain column of living that has been sensationalised, broadcasted, and blasted on repeat through movies and media.
Of course, falling in love is one of the most amazing feelings out there, but unfortunately, I don’t think a lot of us do it. Which is strange because finding someone to have a family with seems to be on a lot of people’s to-do lists. And you’d think that being in love is a requirement for that.
Unfortunately, I also think there are a lot of people out there who trick themselves into thinking they are in love because they feel pressure to do it before it’s ‘too late’. A lot of us tend to settle for someone or something good enough, or because we don’t think it’s okay to be alone.
On the very other hand, there seems to also be a lot of us who don’t understand the effort that it takes to make a relationship work. A lot of us have a distorted idea of how to maintain connections, and are maybe in love with the concept of love but not what it really entails. A romanticisation of romance if you will.
Don’t get me wrong though, I think it is absolutely magical if you do find someone who you truly want to spend the rest of your life with, and if you both want to work together to make that possible and be happy. But I also think it’s okay if that doesn’t happen for you.
I think there are many ways to find happiness that don’t revolve around a monogamous life partner. I sometimes feel it’s the pressure of finding a ‘true love’ that has the potential in some cases to rush people into things that aren’t right, and trap people in lives that they are truly unhappy in. To me, that is scarier than being with myself.
The complicated simple set-ups
This brings me to another mind-boggling condition of society and dating, or at least, dating in Bali:
The idea that two people can continuously be intimate with one another, and 1. this is a sustainable setup, and 2. neither party will get hurt. I know it’s not always the case, but I can say from most of what I’ve seen and what I’ve experienced, hooking up with friends without wanting to pursue anything deeper seldom lasts long, and someone will almost always get hurt.
I imagine some of you might be laughing - ‘How is it you’ve come to this conclusion so late in life, everybody knows this!’
Or thinking quite the opposite - ‘Kayli you’re generalising and a situationship is definitely something that works’
Either or, this is my blog so I will share what I think, regardless of whether you think I am right or wrong or somewhere in between.
So let me walk you through it:
I imagine there are many reasons why people don’t want to pursue relationships. This is completely fine. As mentioned above, this can be great and I am all for it.
So if that’s the idea, why are we then getting into semi-relationships? Because physical intimacy with complete strangers isn’t satisfying enough, because we want the perks and closeness of being in a relationship and having someone care about us, because we don’t want the responsibility of being committed, and being blatantly honest - because it’s comfortable and we are scared, or lazy, or both.
At the same time, we also want the freedom to be with other people? We are scared of being vulnerable? We are scared of getting hurt? The concept of commitment has become as intimidating as the idea of joining The Hunger Games — a high-stakes play with unpredictable outcomes.
What strikes me as ironic is that the reasoning behind being in a no-strings-attached relationship situation is usually to avoid complexities and keep things ‘light’.
Again, sometimes this works.
Sometimes it does not.
In my experience and observation, trying to maintain a friends-with-benefits relationship is like trying to make 1 + 1 equal 3; you think you can be different and change the game but really you’re just playing Jenga with cooked noodles. You’re being silly.
It’s funny because in trying to keep things from getting complicated, we have instead created the ultimate grey zone of nothing makes sense and what the fuck is going on, and have placed ourselves right in the middle of its chaos.
How much affection do you show each other so as not to seem too keen but also to maintain the friendship and at the same time remain open to other possibilities without seeming like you’re not interested at all but is it okay if you do it in front of each other but also try not to hurt each other’s feelings because at the end of the day you care about each other but not enough to say ‘hey, let’s try date?’
Make it make sense.
In a nutshell, the Bali dating scene is like an island-wide version of Love Island. Hah.
No one wants to fully commit, because no one is sure about what they want, but at the same time, everyone’s got the guts to keep someone around. If it works it works, but in my FLAKY opinion, it’s kinda selfish and not the best use of energy and brain power.
I once found myself in a classic friends-with-benefits situation with a housemate (shitting where I was eating, yes I know). And I can safely say, even though I have gained valuable insight into what NOT TO DO and grew from that experience, I can also say it was one of the dumbest things I have ever done - this is coming from someone who has gotten scammed into sending her laptop to China.
By wanting to keep things simple, we often create something that is even more complex.
So if complicating friendships with intimacy however offering no commitment is risky business, then is dating and devoting emotional and physical energy towards someone you want to be with something that you should also avoid? No. Because one is trying your best and the other is a half-ass attempt - you tell me which one’s which.
Embrace da journey
Of course, who am I to say what’s best and what isn’t? I sent my laptop to China, my judgment is questionable. So good on you for making it this far.
Though I have rambled on at a mild pace of rant, there is a reason I paired these two perspectives together. It’s because I think they are both the result of letting fear control our choices. Fear of being alone as if it’s a bad thing, fear of losing people we love, and fear of getting hurt.
But that’s the human experience, isn’t it? To try and to fail, to get up and to bounce back. To experience every possible emotion because how bland would life be to not feel passion in all of its forms?
So to sum up the takeaways in case they got lost in the sauce that is this piece;
High stakes mean high rewards. I can give you 100 different metaphors that explain this but I’ll spare you this time. I believe we need to be vulnerable and we need to be uncomfortable to evolve - with ourselves and with other people when the time is right. Which leads me to the next point:
We must be honest with ourselves. Honest in what we want, what we are truly happy with, and the intentions behind our actions and choices. Not to do things because you feel like you should - or because the ghost of traditional society is whispering behind your ear, but because you want to and because it sits warm and well in your belly like a bowl of hot miso soup. Being honest with yourself will help you in recognising what is right for you. I think.
This comes hand in hand with communication. If you’re honest, great. Now put it out into the world. As it turns out, people don’t read minds.
And so as scary as it is to be vulnerable, to be honest, and to say how you feel, it’s all part of the exciting journey of life. I think it can guide us to fulfillment and happiness within relationships and with ourselves - saving us from confusing friends with benefits situations, and from spending our lives with people who are wrong for us.
Allowing your intuitions to help guide your choices, but not to let fear control them - I think is a good thing to keep in mind.
I’m constantly looking to hold that balance in my own life, I hope you can find it too.
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What’s the dumbest thing you’ve ever done?
Has what I’ve said sparked any strong feelings? If so, what are they?
Tell me if you think I’m wrong, I’d love to tell you the same! 😉